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rejected Of all the things I felt this weekend I think happiness had to be near the bottom rung. It was higher at some points and slowly went downhill. Among said feelings: slightly used, second best, unfullfilled (but in a different way) unaccomplished, a tinge left out, dirty, slutty, other various words of being a whore, jealousy reared its ugly head a few times, and finally just pure depression.
Sunday night and this morning I didn't sleep. Had to much on the brain. Finally I came up with the solution.
Once upon a not so long time ago I was introduced to the Ladder Theory. http://www.intellectualwhores.com/maste
/----/ 7
/----/ 6 Would activly like to fuck
/----/ 5
/----/ 4
/----/ 3 Would fuck drunk and admit to it
/----/ 2
/----/ 1 Would fuck drunk and lie about it
(Bitch about my poor ladder later) At the very bottom of the ladder is everyone else you have yet to meet and put on your ladder or you have yet to judge them. The thing that bugs me is that no matter what I do, I'll never be the top rung for anyone. I can't claim to be at the top of anyone's ladder. I should be fine with this. However seeing as I'm red blooded and female I find myself sadly dissapointed in a good portion of the male race.
In conclusion to this part sex is good no matter what, there is no "Oh he's better than so-so" or "He sucked so bad I thought I'd vomit". Sex is different either in a good or a bad way. Sex being different in a good way we all prefer and we deal with those that are bad. My experiances have been different in a good way. The way they ended (after sex was well over) was different in a bad way, which leaves us in the emotional turmoil we're currently in.
The rest of the trip was rather good. Good people, good food, ect. I'll end the entry with pictures of the good stuff that resulted (including a FUCKING AWESOME negative picture of Jonah's roomate's infected leg)
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
August 2 2005, 04:04:58 UTC 6 years ago
PS to self
We got a little negative happy but everyone has to agree with me when I say Bean looks fucking creepy in the negative. (more so than normal)August 2 2005, 04:16:00 UTC 6 years ago
PPS
http://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/khttp://i7.photobucket.com/albums/y288/k
Had to add a boob shot to make it all wrap up nicely.
August 2 2005, 04:22:08 UTC 6 years ago
August 2 2005, 04:23:47 UTC 6 years ago
August 2 2005, 08:31:11 UTC 6 years ago
... doesn't remember saying those things about me... an apology is one thing, denial of wrong-doing another thing, but an outright declaration that more than one person was lying when they told me she kept telling you to leave me is something I'm not ready to tolerate...
August 2 2005, 08:59:02 UTC 6 years ago
You're the type of person who thinks it's better to beg forgiveness than to ask permission. If you sin and regret it, it's somehow better than if you don't sin at all.
That you didn't follow the rules as outlined is not a discussion I care to start. I gave you my permission, as hard as it was for you to make your small attempt to get it. I didn't get any other information as to "who" or even "what" (though my vaunted reasoning narrowed the answers down to the point where you didn't need to tell me, but again, those are not the rules).
So you two had sex. You had thought you found someone who honestly felt you were more attractive than your antagonist (keep your friends close and your enemies closer), and not 12 hours after you consummated your relationship you find that, indeed, he IS more attracted to one of those you so desperately wish you were.
Since I was not present for any of this, or any of the prelude, I cannot say whether or not you should've seen this coming. I cannot say why the declaration of attraction (in the least vocal way possible) was made after your consummation. I cannot say who the aggressor was in that declaration (though one has made no effort to hide the attraction).
Did you think that the consummation created something between you and him? He knows you have a boyfriend. I don't know how exactly you phrased how I feel about your forming relationships with other men, but if it went anything like, "Would you like to have sex with me? My boyfriend's okay with it," he probably assumed it was no-strings-attached (which is not, repeat not, the spirit I had in mind, but whatever), so l ike all human beings, he absolved himself of guilt by believing himself in a wonderous world where the girls come to him for sex for a change (instead of actively having to seek it).
Was this his fault? Was he told what having sex with you would mean to him? Was he given all of the information about being part of our family? Was he told, explicitly and repeatedly, that this was not just some romp in the sack with a willing female partner who would ask for nothing in return? Was he told that, if you want to be with us, you have to accept the responsibility that this type of family requires?
Was this your antagonist's fault? It takes two to tango. If she was willing, he still needed permission which defaults the blame to him, but again the question remains: Was he aware of his responsibility?
My instincts tell me no. There would be no way that a relationship built on this kind of responsibility could have occurred this quickly. There should be no way that a relationship built on this kind of responsibility could have occurred without the knowledge of all parties involved (thus: Me).
Thus... the blame rests only on you.
Control your environment, control the information the people around you recieve, and you control everything that happens to you.
The immature, "damn the torpedos" attitude is going to get you in a lot of trouble if it continues into your adult life.
August 2 2005, 11:55:58 UTC 6 years ago
August 2 2005, 17:11:50 UTC 6 years ago
August 3 2005, 03:16:29 UTC 6 years ago
A reminder: Nothing of what happened was initiated or continued or even required any amount of energy on my part. Passive observer, here. I'd given up long before of you truly understanding what my "open relationship" goal was (come to think of it, it was right after meeting Tim).
August 3 2005, 03:19:28 UTC 6 years ago
August 2 2005, 15:32:57 UTC 6 years ago
I <3 ladder theory
The thing about ladder theory that really strikes home with me is that it's basically true. I have experience as an intelectual whore, though I'm not sure I could tell you whether or not I have one. (btw it is an awfully male-biased theory, but chicks have the same problems sometimes, and I swear it's even harder on bisexuals.)August 3 2005, 03:23:42 UTC 6 years ago
Re: I <3 ladder theory
I can't even count the amount of intellectual whores I used to have hanging around me...The reason it's male-biased is because somehow (even after the women's right's movement, and the so-called sexual revolution), sex is still male-oriented.
You'll find more men keeping score than you will find women.
"The game" and "the playas" are men.
Men are glorified if they have more sex.
(of course, any analysis of any human behavior is subject to so much perspective and subjective observation it's completely impossible to get at the capital-T Truth, so I may as well just stfu and let que sera sera)